On Calla's journey to get across the border before her baby arrives It seems strange that I could want something so powerfully, while knowing academically that it would, you know, change my life in quite a large way. it's physically difficult and it's emotionally difficult, and, you know, you're changing your life very dramatically. You know, there was a part of me that thought, well, why do I want to have a baby when they're. Yeah, I think having that - not having a child myself, having that outsider perspective, I'm learning more about it through my friends. On Calla's comparison of masochism with the desire for motherhood I still have those feelings, maybe even more so since everything that's happened. I was thinking of books like Motherhood by Sheila Heti, where she sort of processes her own feelings, and her feeling is ambivalence. I kind of assumed, I guess, if I wrote the book, it would resolve something for me.
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